I’m truly blessed to be here, it took me years to realize that no matter what the situation, if it be good or bad, life is a gift so few people have the privilege of enjoying. I sit back and observe others from afar as they hold back because of fear, pain from their past, their complications, misfortune, or bad situations they’ve created for themselves and I pity them because I know that I’m enlightened to the fact that you only live once and to hold back will only leave you living with regret. When I make a decision in life and its not right choice I may be disappointed but I never regret the choices I made. I’ve lived so many years of my life allowing others to dictate my direction to their standard and now that I’m finally free from their mind set, its a joy to make my own choices. My mistakes are wonderful learning experiences that have and will mold me into the awesome person that I’m meant to become. My direction, my road map, my choice….no regrets! Everything that I pursue (good or bad) is what I desired at the time. To know this, to live this, for me is true freedom and for that reason my life is good. I’m exactly where I want to be because I brought myself here. I’m truly blessed and I sincerely wish the same for all of you. To life, CHEERS!

Lady Lemonaid

I apologize for the long hiatus, it seems that life has had a diffrent plan for me and so Ive became busy and too unmotivated to write. Im tired of making lemonade out of all these lemons but I continue to drive on and thrive. All these growing pains that came along with this crazy ride have made me come to realize that I’ll never be the lucky one. I’ll always be the hard working one, the ambitious one, the one who aquires the good life by the sweat off my back and the strength of my swag. Ive finally come to terms with the fact that I come from generations of hard workers and seasoned fighters. Im actually cool with that, in the end I find myself appreciating life and the simple things that the lucky one toss aside. Not one blessing thats come my way has ever been taken for granted. I plan to keep this out look on life, someday I’ll pass it down to my children. Ive discovered the key to my happiness, strive to become better yet enojoy what I already have. The idea sounds simple enough but when you step back and look at the folks around you, youd be surprised at how many find this concept hard to grasp. I pity those who are still lost…

I know me

I know who I am and by saying tht, Im by know means saying tht Ive unlocked every mystery tht is me. There are still moments when Im unsure, insecure, and hesitant about the decisions I make and why Ive chose to make them. One thing is for sure though, I know who I am. I understand my womanhood inside and out, my sensuality, my desires, my likes, my dislikes, wht drives me, wht life altering factors have taken place tht make me the person tht I am today. Im in full control of my destiny, when plan A wont work and plan B is impossiable to execute I know the steps and phases tht I take myself through emotionaly as well as physically. I deal with those problems at the moments tht strength and grace are needed with as much as  I can possably muster . I know who I am….
When I make a mistake I know how to kick myself just hard enough to move forward and move on but without kicking myself so hard tht I stomp down my self esteem. It took me a long way to get to where I am today. I wasted a lot of precious time trying to self medicate myself with many different vices on order to avoid the hard work I needed to make myself the better person I know I needed to be. I used drugs, alcohol, men, other people….the wrong people as a crutch to get myself past things about me tht only “I” could get past on my own. I suffered so much hardship and pain on my road to self discovery tht I at times cringe at thoughts of the selfish things I did in order to avoid the sweat I eventually put into the one person I needed to get myself right…tht person is me. I know who I am…
I get out of bed everyday and I know tht I can start my day without singing a song, praying a prayer, and looking at pictures of my children tht hang up on my wall. It took me quite some time to realize tht Im happiest and healthiest when I begin my day with a routine. It doesnt have to be tht specific one but I now know tht to some degree I need the comfert of something stable. Something…anything small will do bc no matter how free sprited I maybe my deepest desire is to plant my roots some place and grow roots. Am I mature enough to persue this desire? I doubt it…am I ashamed? No bc I know me, and tht fact overides all my flaws and faults. How can I fix or improve anything about myself if I dont even know who I am? If I deny myself of the truth about me Im holding myself back from becoming the perfect version of me tht I desire. I know me…

The Soulkim realtionship “G” Code

-If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

-Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

-Allow your intuition to save you from heartache. (NO MAN IS A GOOD REASON TO VOID COMMON SENCE)

-Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be.

-Slower is better.

-Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

-If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then HELL NO, you can’t “be friends.” A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

-Don’t settle. (WHY SHOULD YOU? YOU DESERVE TO HAVE EVERYTHING YOU WANT TOO)

-If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Sand vs Pearls

A recently divorced daughter and her mother were walking along the beach one day, the daughter seemed very upset and bitter, she was pouring her heart out to her mother about how angry  she was. Her divorce had ended badly and her husband had treated her terriably towards the ending of their marriage. She began telling her mother how she planned to get revenge on the ex husband somday as payment for all the changes he’d  put her through. The mother listened to her daughter vent quietly and the expression on her face seemed to grow more and more concerned as the daughter went on and on about her pain.

Screaming Silence (VERY rough draft)

Im stuggleing  find myself out of this complication,  as I try to filter through my feelings I find myself feeling more. What could it be tht has my mind spining this way? Is it the fact tht its been so long since Ive felt this kind of touch? Or is it the fact tht before we started I already liked you so much? I dont know what it is but everything you do from the way you walk to the way you move. Drives me to scream silence…

Every moment we share and every touch we exchange, seems to file  in my memory bank and when your far away I play those moments over and over again in my head. Its almost as if you put a spell on me. No matter how hard it try to deny these feelings, no matter how much I tell myself its nothing, the moment your presence finds my presence my heart feels something.  As you tap at my center of emotions,  knock on my minds door, I try to lock myself inside but it seems as though you break a window. How can I release myself from this feeling when I hold myself back with the emotion of denial. I scream silence….

Crying out for freedom, so tht I can no longer be tormented with these thoughts. Thoughts of you and me doing things well never do together, saying things well never say to each other. Feeling what Im feeling but unable to profess a crush tht only to “I” could mean so much. Cause  though I may adore you and though I may feel for you, the mutualaity can and never will be split equal. SO here I stand…pretending, fronting, like this aint ntohing, when deep inside I know tht every day, every moment I have to myself, I scream silence…

Open up the vent…its been hot in here lately

I apologize if Im more random then usual my thoughts are random, therefore so is my writing. I feel like Im on dope or some type of heavy ass crankish methlike powder….Im restless, emotional, and at times delusional as I try to decifer “whats next”. Have you noticed tht the only time I visit this blog is when Im asking myself this same question? “Whats next” is a question tht Im constantly plauged with as I grow more hit to this eternal I call life. IM starting to realize tht as I close one chapter the story continues to progress until unltimately I have to start a new one. When will I ever be done? Will there be a happy ending? Or will this life be one of those stories tht has an open ending for ppl to analize and wonder if there were an alternate what would you have liked it to be? I have no answers to these questions, Im the author to this novel pen in hand, paper beneath it, and wondering to myself “whats next”.

My career in the US army as an american soldier has become the thing tht has saved me from self destruction yet I find the army lifestyle to be problematic. The constant movement of on again, off again deployments challenge me to adapt under high pressure circumstances. At times I feel as comfortable as a bird without wings. I miss the foundation tht came with my dead end life and my dead end jobs. Though I couldnt fly freely and dream just as freely of a better oppertunity at least I knew my surroundings well enough to survive. Dont get it twisted, I do understand tht the old life I was living was subject to be snatched up from under me at a momants notice, I guess I like things shaky and complicated as long as I know tht where I land is some where familar. Being in the army has taken tht completely away from me and when I fall short from my mark Im challenged to find an inner strength tht I prolly didnt realize I had in the 1st place. Now Im no fool, I do realize tht what I hate about the army is prolly exactly what I need. Theres no rule saying tht I cant have a desire to run away from the hard and day dream about the easy. Im human…

I no longer have a desire to continue my 4 year realtionship with my sig other (mental note: admiting to this feels like a much needed exhale) Im sick of the arguements, the long discussions tht lead to no where. Everyday Im asked to be patient and await change but dammit when will tht day come? How many times can you slap a person across the face b4 they suddenly slap back, block, or better yet remove themselves from the vicinity of your hand? I mean really, why change a damn thing about yourself if nothing around you ever changes alongside of your mistakes. No consequence for an action equals the same damn mistake. I no longer have the desire to be a fool. So what am I waiting on exactly….actual reality. Im deployed and some things have to be done in person. What kinda jerk ends a 4 year realtionship over oovoo, skype, or yahoo? In the mean time Im trying to keep communication to a bare minimal because just the sound of this persons voice makes me wanna throw my laptop across the room in frustration. Some ppl you’ll never be able to reason with no matter wht you say, how much proof you have or what you damn do. Ive caught this idiot red handed in a lie and to this day I await a confession tht will never come…how can you grow and change when you cant even be honest? Isnt honesty the start point? wth?

Questions, answers, exprience’s

Sometimes your search for answers leads to more questions. I have a tendency to be over analytical about things in life, it’s a personality flaw as well as a curse. I’m always searching for whats beneath the surface of the simplistic. On my quest to find answers, I’ve come to learn that sometimes what you’re looking for you’ll never find and sometimes what you weren’t looking for in the first place can move directly in front of you. Life is an amazing wonderful journey and I feel so blessed to have a oppertunity to live and experience every savory or unsavory moment of it. The fear of the unknown shouldnt be a tool to avoid an experience, the fear should be your reason to experience something new. So take a deep breath when you ask tht question and dont be afraid to seek and answer. Embrace what comes in your path even if you’re afraid, just as long as you make every decsion your own.  If your choice results in a regret, at least you know your choice was yours and although you were afraid, you werent afraid to try. Welcome to life

I remember you…

Looking back on my life and the people I’ve left behind I can honestly say my heart is filled with a certain amount of sorrow. So many “what if’s” tht I can’t even begin to mention. So many chapters in my life would take an eternity to explain and so I blog to you the snipits in an attempt to make my thoughts somehow eternal. Memories of the good times we shared will live with me for as long as god wills me to remember when my heart smiled for a brief moment. For whatever reason they aren’t here and I hold no grudge against them. I’ve come to realize that in life some ppl will be for the season and all tht you can do is cherish the time you have with them. I try not to look back to long because I have so much in front of me and many more things to accomplish far ahead just over the horizon. I can’t front though, every now and again something small will hit me and spark up a nostalgic moment. Old photos, movie ticket stubs, the sent of a perfume tht I once wore for special occasions, and maybe even a song playing melancholy on the radio softly. My heart wishes tht I can take all whom I’ve ever loved forward with me but my mind tells me tht for whatever reason they aren’t here it was for the best. As I grow and change so does my chemistry with the ppl I once loved so dearly. With tht in mind I knw tht things just wouldn’t be the same. To go backwards and risk changing a memory tht makes me smile into something tht makes me frown would be an even bigger mistake then the ones tht were made to cause whatever touch was lost. I know now tht the saying is true, “its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.”

Blue light special (ranting)

If you’re not being treated with the love & respect you deserve, check your “PRICE TAG”. Perhaps you have marked yourself down. It’s “YOU” who tell people what you’re worth by what you accept. Get off the “CLEARANCE RACK” & get behind the glass case where they keep the “VALUABLES”. Bottom line “VALUE” yourself more….

And this to shall pass…

And this too my friends shall pass…….. so don’t dwell on what can’t be reversed or fixed. Sometimes a mistake we make doesn’t have a resolve or an ending that comes with a obvious answer. Some mistakes are only meant for the experience so that we may learn, grow and change for the better.  My one and only perhaps in life is to become better at whatever it is that I do, as people we have to understand that our destinies are sometimes not as grand or complicated as we think. The way we touch people’s lives just by being a better us is what truly has an impact on this world. Think on it, how many times in your life has a simple gesture such as a hug, a kind word, a helping hand, or the sight of a good deed completely changed your perspective on a way of thinking that you swore you’d never change? Now I’m not saying, intentionally go out and make bad decisions in order to be a better person. After all, being reckless is the road to becoming a wreck and no one honestly wants that for themselves. All I’m saying is that when you make a bad choice and the consequences inflict permanent damage to your foundation dont dwell on it learn from it. Simple concept isnt it?

Like water for chocolate

Have you read “Like water for chocolate”? it’s a wonderful read and i encourage all to pick it up if you havent had the chance. If you’re a writer or just a fan of interesting literature I know you’ll luv this. Thank me later, I’m sure tht this book will make anyone who reads it feel some kinda way.

Giving, Recieving, Small servings

No one is exempt from Karma as the saying goes; “what goes around comes around” and how you treat others directly affects what will come your way in life. As I go through out my daily tasks people pass me by, moving in whatever direction their life is taking them. Sometimes fate brings them in my path and I always do my best treat everyone and everybody in a way that I think is the “right” way. My addiction to people makes it hard for me to separate what brings harmony in my life from what brings harmony to others. I find it hard to make what gives me joy a priority as opposed to what brings joy to others. I’m doing my best to work on this flaw.

Win, win, win no matter what

Sometimes you just have to go with the flo, not to say that you should live your life with out a plan or any goals in mind. Just know that sometimes in life there will be moments where nothing you plan will go accordingly. Some of the biggest breakthroughs that I’ve had in life were birthed from a plan that went completely south. The comforts of the elements in which we surround ourselves sometimes tend to water down life for us. We get used to the same routine, we get used to the same faces, we get used to that same pay check, and we get used to the same rewards we receive from our comforts. Where is the excitement in that? I refuse to just “exist” because I know that there is a difference between exsistance and living. The day that you get comfortable with that pay check is the day that you neglect it for the blessing that it is. Fall backs and shattered plans are the stuff that your biggest dreams can be made of. Don’t you know that when you’re taken out of your small pond you were built adapt and survive? New experiences make us wise because life is all about the different dimensions that were willing to discover to make us better. So to all of you I say when it all falls down and it seems that nothing is going according to plan don’t put on the sad face and get the “why me” attitude. Thank god for your draw backs and redefine your hardship as a blessing. If anything you’ll surprise yourself with the inner strength you summon up and remix the way that you thought living life should be to you. That’s what I consider a win, win, if u ask me

Just Random

So many thoughts are swirling through my mind at once and as I sit in front of my computer I cant seem to complete a thought long enough to get a good paragraph started. In my mind I want to be specific about everything, I want to be more then just honest with my blog but detailed as well. Its crazy how my different situations with different people in my life all have the fact of  a need to privacy in common at the moment. Theres so much that I want to vex about, apart of me is screaming to tell you all a story that at the moment cant be told. With that being said I will try to do the best I can without putting to much out there for now…..

Random thoughts:

YOU!

You are my emotional comfort zone, no matter how unstable things may be in my life, I know the one thing that’s always been consistent is the access I have to you. Its crazy when I step outside of myself, I look at our situation and I long to see the day when you will finally step up and make an effort to change for the better. This thing that we call a relationship is more of a roller coaster, a tragic comedy filled with excuses for why things always turn out the same way no matter what “I” change about me. Why is it every time you come into my life we smash into each other like some devastatingly gruesome car accident? Why is it that all our accidents are never less then a three car pile up? Why do you insist on dragging others into our collisions every time we go through the motions that we go through? I’m tired of asking myself, am I good enuff? Smart enuff? Pretty enuff? Young enuff? Old enuff? Honey, I’ve been way past broken glass with you for more then one ride. What you fail to realize is that your only here because you’re my emotional comfort zone. Not because I’m “IN” luv with you, not because I need you to support me financially , and its damn sure not because of the good sex you USED to give me. As each day passes I grow a lil stronger, I become a bit more confident. As each day passes I’m starting to see that this comfort zone aint nearly as comfortable as I thought it to be. Someday it’ll be just you driving recklessly,,,you’ll be the one smashing and crashing into things head on but will you will no longer make contact with me. LIL OLE, safe, secure, dependable, consistent me,,,that’s right honey, I will be moving on and getting full coverage insurance at that. So the next time you hit my bumper I’ll be the one to recover, drive off, and keep this thing called my life moving forward. WITHOUT YOU! Now how do you like them apples?

Rough draft

When you fall down, get back up….

Sometimes we make mistakes in life the first time we try something simply to gain experience and learn. Mistakes are the rough drafts of life, the beginning of some of the best master pieces ever written were brain stormed, rough drafted, edited, final copied, and printed to become what we now recognize as a classic. Life isn’t measured by our triumphs and accomplishments but by the wisdom and experience you gain during the process. Some of the best memories I have in my life time are from a struggle that eventually brought me to my success. When I’m old, brittle, and surrounded by grand children I know that some of the best stories I’ll tell to inspire them won’t be stories about the reward, they’ll be the stories about how well I carried myself thru adversity or how quickly I landed on my feet in a tight situation. I’m enlightened….

No need for life lines I got this

Eventually, we all fall short of the expectations of others, its a natural part of life because in life we’ll all disappoint someone somewhere along the way of our personal pursuit of happiness. What makes one man happy just might make the next man cringe at the thought of making the same move. The thing to always keep in mind when your out and about making those moves is who exactly are you living for. Realistically the person you should be living for is you but not all of us have to intestinal fortitude to make the moves we know we need to make in order to accomplish what we know we truly desire. So today as I lace up my combat boots, brush my teeth, and head out the door I’ve been asking myself, who am I living for today? I know sometimes I get caught up in what outside people may thing of me and I know I alter the paths I choose to take to my elders but at the end of the day I know I’m the one who lives with the end results. Not my momma, daddy, bestie, or boss. I’ve learned long ago that this life I’m living is about me, so when I get caught up in the happiness of others superseding my personal desires I’m never afraid to take a step back and say “naw that’s not working for me guy”. Now I’m not saying that as a parent I should be totally selfish and only think of me with no regard to the well being of my kids. I’m just saying that whatever adult decision I make in life I have to be confident and stand strong behind what I think is right for me. I CHOOSE to take my own personal path to success because when the day comes for me to walk into tht bright light I want to leave this earth knowing I did all that I could to make myself happy the best way I knew how. I don’t think that’s asking for to much, you shouldn’t either….

Mirror mirror

You have to be able to face yourself at the beginning and ending of each day. Sometimes I have my good days where I can confidently look in the mirror and be completely proud of what I see. I know that thru out the day I’ve made decisions that were for the best for me as well as those I care for around me. Then I have those yucky nasty days where I know I could have done more but decided to do the bare minimum or I simply wasn’t a good person when I knew I could have been. Sometimes doing the right thing isn’t the easy thing, people get hurt all the time because someone had to take what’s right over the choice of what’s easy and convient. The capability of being able to make those hard decisions is what separates the boys from men and the girls from women. Though we all have free will to make our own choices in life not everybody is ready for what the decisions we make entail. Some of us find comfort in blaming others for our situations, some blame fate, while others lean on a dysfunctional childhood as a crutch for the dirt we do but at the end of the day when were all alone and our reflections stand before us, our hearts truly know where the root of our misfortunes lie. Within our selves…

So I have to ask myself at times when I have those nasty yucky days, over all do I like what I see? What can I do tomorrow to change and grow from what I wasn’t proud of today?

Hummmm….

Chapters  have been opening and closing, years have passed, and the need to blog has suddenly reappeared. Well se if i can stick with it this time.