Expectations

I nonchalantly lit my Newport as I stepped out into the cold. The back of the building where my fellow coworkers smoked and huddled amongst each other seemed almost empty and quiet as I fumbled through my purse for my nokia phone. It was always hard for me to call him like this, talking to him during the after maths of our heated argument’s always made me feel like little girl. He kept a cool head and smooth domineer at all times….

I was always the one who became emotionally flighty when I got upset about something. At times, I wondered what I must have looked like to him from his perspective, maybe he saw a little girl too. We’re alike as far as interests and desires go but when it came down to personality’s, coping with feelings, and relationships we’re complete opposites. Im naturally clumsy when Im in a hurry or rush. I drop things, break stuff, spill food on my cloths, etc. He was NEVER in a rush and Im sure if he had those moments of urgency he never let on to anyone with any of his movements or actions. I like to dance in the rain, skinny dip on impulse, cry at weddings, drive w/o any destination in mind, plan my future to offset my most romantic desires. He carried an umbrella just in case it rained, tested the temp of the water before he took a dive in, he always made sure wore a handkerchief at weddings, he never hit the road w/o a map in his trunk, and planned his future with only finances in mind. We complimented each other well but when we bumped heads we clashed like oil and ice water.

I looked down at my phone but I couldnt bring myself to dial the numbers. At that moment I wished they werent burned into my memory but to this day his cell phone number never escapes my mind. The butterflies bubbled and brewed violently in my belly, causing that familiar pressure between my rib cage and my soul. My heart began to ache something awful as the tears threatened to fall. I sucked back every last one of them and put my newport out. As I regained a bit of my composure I eased my nokia back in to my purse.

I loved him to death but I knew we couldn’t keep this going anymore. I wasn’t happy & I knew he felt the same way too. Our relationship was at a stalemate no one wanting to leave but it hurt like hell to stay. When I told him it was over earlier that day, I didn’t feel like a little girl anymore, my words were very honest and my head was on ever so straight. He stood before me motionless, calm as always and I expected nothing less from him. At times I wondered if he ever let himself go long enough for tears or to love me like he always said he did. I didn’t care anymore, I wanted to be free from this self made prison and now it was finally over.

I flicked my now unlit cigarette towards the ash tray across the walk way, missing it by a mile as I always do. I was done smoking and my break was over, there was nothing left to do but walk back in the building and log back on for work. I almost gave him a call, I almost begged him to come back but now it was time to go back to work and as I walked to my cubical I felt a little bit more stronger and maybe a bit more mature. It was over and I was ok with that.